Yeeeaah mon… I thought it was just a puff...

But next thing I knew, I was tryin’ to milk the neighbor’s goat

that turned out to be a lawnmower. Lawd have mercy!

I took a hit, thought I’d float like a cloud,

Next thing I know I’m preachin’ to a crowd.

Turns out that “crowd” was my chickens in a row,

An’ I baptized ‘em all in my garden hose flow.

Tried callin’ my mama, but the phone was my shoe,

Left a voice mail on my left boot too.

Started fryin’ bacon in a coffee pot,

Then danced with my broom like it’s all I got.

Never again… (no, no, no, no, no)

Never again, I say!

Got my truck stuck in a kiddie pool,

And I called the fire brigade.

Never again… (say it twice, my friend!)

I’ll keep my feet on the ground,

‘Cause when that smoke starts rollin’,

Man, my world spins ‘round and ‘round!

My girl walked in, said, “Boy, what’s that smell?”

I said, “Don’t worry babe, I’m makin’ caramel.”

Turns out it was socks on the stovetop flame,

Now the whole house smells like regret and shame.

Went fishin’ in the bathtub, beer in hand,

Caught a rubber ducky and a one-night stand.

Wrote a love song to a pepperoni slice,

Called it “Baby You So Spicy Nice.”

Now I’m doin’ damage control, oh Lord,

Apologizin’ to my credit score.

The cat won’t look me in the eye,

And the preacher won’t shake my hand no more.

Never again… (ya hear me say!)

Never again, I swear!

I shaved my head with the garden shears,

While singin’ “Country roads take me there!”

Never again… (but maybe one more puff?)

No sir, not this guy!

‘Cause I learned my lesson—oh yeah, I did—

Now I’m stickin’ to sweet apple pie!

So if you ever see me smilin’ too wide,

Talkin’ ‘bout stars and “energy vibes”…

Just hand me a biscuit, take my keys away,

And remind me:

Last time I “floated,” I bought a goat off eBay.