Nameless Trinket Box

In this house, now past the forty-ninth day, only the smell of dust and silence have settled.
The warmth of the person who once loved me, bound me, and thanked me is gone.
Neither the crown of a master’s degree nor this body, which once drew the heated gazes of men,
remains at the end of this long, long season called caregiving.
I have become a rusty antique, unnoticed by anyone.

The interviewer’s eyes, which had smiled and said, “You’re excellent,” freeze on the blank spaces of my resume.
The ten-odd years I spent caring for my parents are not called a “career” in the race known as society.
Shunned as the type men like, isolated because of my excessive intelligence,
I continued to wander, and in the end, through self-sacrifice,
I realized I had offered my entire life as a sacrifice.
With no partner, no friends, what remained in the mirror
Was an empty vessel made of fine material: “Me, a nobody.”

I stand frozen before my blank resume.
The “Skills” section I must fill stretches out like a wasteland.
Without qualifications, achievements, or any title to boast of,
I have merely continued to care for my parents
Desperately and diligently, through the fleeting season of being a “woman.”
And so, I am merely a symbol called “one of the masses.”
Society has bestowed upon me the fact that I never became anyone.

At two in the morning, violent thunder shakes the old window.
I stand before the full-length mirror, facing myself.
Ten thousand questions, ten thousand regrets.
But just for tonight, I’ve decided not to run away.

With trembling fingertips, I begin to untie the “constraints.”
The tight buttons at my collar were the “social expectations” that bound me.
The luxurious silk blouse was the vanity called “high education.”
The heavy skirt was the customs and roles imposed on me as a “daughter.”
With each piece I dropped to the floor, society’s judgments peeled away.
Stripping off even my underwear, I faced my own “life.”

“What can you do?” society asks sharply.
“How much do you earn?” numbers chase me from behind.
I have shed everything—I am an unmarked vessel.
The values I had built up, the pride I had wrapped around myself—
They lost their meaning before me, as I accepted that I am nobody.
Society forgot my name, and the heavy shackles fell away.

Look—this is me. My true form, erased from the workings of this world.
I no longer need anyone’s praise or gratitude.
Engraved on this blank resume is the quiet pulse of my skin.
Shedding the garments of convention, I accept that I am nothing but myself.
Even if society forgets me, this world is still watching over me.

When I open the balcony door, the relentless storm lashes my skin.
In the darkness, drenched by the rain, I take a step forward.
The cold droplets wash away the past, a sacred baptism.
When I lost my clothes, my titles, and gained only loneliness,
I, for the first time, held a blade called 'freedom.'

Father, Mother, I am no longer your 'good daughter.'
Competing society, I am no longer even a 'participant' in your race.
I am just a woman. I am just a living human being.
This body of mine is not to satisfy someone's desires,
This wisdom of mine is not to increase someone's numbers,
I want to use them for the sake of loving myself.

Pour down, fierce rain, calling to my soul, to my body.
Being nothing is calm, pure, and beautiful.
Loneliness is not a deficiency; it is surely a clue to connect with the world.
Struck by the rain, I accepted the desires rising within me as a 'living being.'
Struck by the rain, I received from the world the meaning for why I continue to live.

The rain stops, and the light of dawn in the eastern sky
A white hawk unfamiliar to my eyes flies overhead.
I am here, alive.
I am connected with you.
Within the flow of great life,
Simply at peace…
The dawn wind is cold yet gentle on my wet skin.
I have gained new wings.
…Now, let's fly.
With my naked soul as my pride.

↓　　ここから日本語ですね。　↓

四十九日を過ぎた家には　埃の匂いと　静寂だけが堆積しているわ
かつて私を愛し、呪縛し、そして感謝してくれた人の　温もりはもうない
修士課程修了という名の冠も　男たちの熱い視線を浴びたこの身体も
介護という名の　長い、長い季節の果てに
誰の目にも留まらない　錆びついたアンティークになった

「優秀ですね」と微笑んだ　面接官の目は　履歴書の空白に凍りつく
親を看取った十数年は　社会という名のレースでは　「キャリア」とは呼ばれない
男好きするタイプと遠ざけられ　余計な賢さゆえに孤立した
私は　迷い続けながら自己犠牲の末に
気づけば、自分の人生を　供物として捧げきってしまった
伴侶もなく　友もなく　鏡の中に残されたのは
優良素材で出来た中身のない器　「何者でもない私」

真っ白な履歴書を　前にして立ち尽くす
埋めるべき「スキル」の欄が　荒野のように広がっている
資格も　実績も　誇れる肩書きも持たぬまま
私はただ　「女」という移ろいやすい季節を
必死に　丁寧に　親の介護を続けてきただけ
そして、私はただの　「その他大勢」という名の記号
何者にもなれなかった　という事実を社会から授かった

深夜二時　激しい雷鳴が　古い窓を揺らす
私は　姿見鏡の前に立ち　自分と対峙する
一万回の自問自答　一万回の後悔
けれど　今夜だけは　逃げないと決めたの

指先を震わせながら　私は「制約」を解いていく
窮屈な襟元のボタンは　私を縛った「世間体」
贅沢なシルクのブラウスは　「高学歴」という名の見栄
重たいスカートは　「娘」として課せられた　因習と役割
一枚ずつ　床に落とすたびに　社会の評価が剥がれ落ちる
下着さえも脱ぎ捨て　私は私の「いのち」と向きあった

「何ができるか」と　社会は鋭く問いかける
「いくら稼ぐか」と　数字が背中を追い立てる
わたしは、すべてを脱ぎ捨てた　無銘の器
積み上げた価値観も　纏っていたプライドも
何者でもないことを受け入れた私の前で　意味を失った
社会は私の名前を忘れ　重い枷（かせ）が外れていった

見て　これが私よ　人の世の仕組みからかき消された私の　真実の姿
誰の称賛も　誰の感謝も　もう必要ないわ
白紙の履歴書に　刻み込まれた　この肌の静かな拍動
因習の衣を脱ぎ捨てて　私は　私でしかないことを　受け入れるわ
社会が私を忘れ去っても　この世界は　私を見つめてくれているわ

ベランダのドアを開ければ　容赦ない嵐が　肌を叩く
暗闇の中で　雨に打たれながら　私は一歩を踏み出す
冷たい水滴は　過去を洗い流す　神聖なバプテスマ
服を失い　肩書きを失い　孤独だけを手に入れた時
私は　初めて　「自由」という名の　刃を手にしたの

お父さん、お母さん、私はもう　あなたたちの「良い娘」ではないわ
競い合う社会よ、私はもう　あなたのレースの「参加者」ですらない
私は　ただの女　私は　ただの人間という生き物
私のこの肢体は　誰かの欲望を満たすためではなく
私のこの知恵は　誰かの数字を増やすためではなく
私が　私を愛するためにこそ　使いたいわ

降り注げ　激しい雨よ　私の魂に　私の身体に呼びかけて
何者でもないことは　穏やかで　無垢で　美しいわ
孤独は　欠損ではないの　きっと、世界と繋がる糸口ね
雨に打たれ　私は私の「生き物」として湧き上がる欲望を受け入れた
雨に打たれ　私は私が　生き続ける意味を　世界から授かった

雨が止み　東の空の　夜明けの光
私の頭上を見慣れぬ白い鷹が飛んでいきます
私はここに　生きています
私はあなたと　繋がっています
大いなる命の　流れの中で
ただ　安らかに……
濡れた肌に　冷たくも優しい　暁の風
私は　新しい羽根を　手に入れました
……さあ、飛び立とう
裸の魂を　私の誇りとして