Until I Loved Myself
Dark Cinematic Piano Ballad, Haunting And Restrained, Female Lead Vocals, Very Intimate, Close-Mic’d Delivery, Experimental, Dnb, Grime, Dark Trap, Trap, Driving Sub Bass, Grounded And Controlled Intensity, Low To Mid Register Female Vocals, heartfelt delivery, echoing Ad-libs, human vibe, melodic, immersive, sound-art, cinematic score, track exists in atmosphere, stillness is power, loving yourself when you haven’t had love is the greatest gift, darkness adds depth, no shame, connects with the listener through shared experience, authentic sauce in Classic AdiraAboveGround style [IS_MAX_MODE: MAX] (Max) [QUALITY: MAX] (Max) [REALISM: MAX] (Max) [REAL_INSTRUMENTS: MAX] (Max) [DYNAMICS: WIDE] (Wide)
Until I Loved Myself
Dark Cinematic Piano Ballad, Haunting And Restrained, Female Lead Vocals, Very Intimate, Close-Mic’d Delivery, Experimental, Dnb, Grime, Dark Trap, Trap, Driving Sub Bass, Grounded And Controlled Intensity, Low To Mid Register Female Vocals, heartfelt delivery, echoing Ad-libs, human vibe, melodic, immersive, sound-art, cinematic score, track exists in atmosphere, stillness is power, loving yourself when you haven’t had love is the greatest gift, darkness adds depth, no shame, connects with the listener through shared experience, authentic sauce in Classic AdiraAboveGround style [IS_MAX_MODE: MAX] (Max) [QUALITY: MAX] (Max) [REALISM: MAX] (Max) [REAL_INSTRUMENTS: MAX] (Max) [DYNAMICS: WIDE] (Wide)
Lyrics
A fairytale romance that ended tragically (racist parents & society caused me to have a breakdown after I was forced to break up with him), I traveled a lifetime to find him again. What I found was a nightmare instead - a man who held my memories hostage and treated me like a whore. Trauma therapy in 2024, revealed a night I couldn’t remember but romanticized for thirty years was actually a date rape with GHB.
I’m still doing trauma therapy, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Dx with C-PTSD in 2018, and correctly Dx with BPD in 2023, after my 4th suicide attempt revealed that I was incorrectly Dx with schizoaffective disorder in 2000, I advocate for those with mental illness and trauma. After the meds were taken away my symptoms disappeared. A domestic abuse, rape and childhood trauma Survivor, I advocate for trauma Survivors as well. In 2000, I was told that I could never work again, I would always be on psych meds and I could never live on my own. My hope for a productive future was taken from me and I socially isolated for 20 years. In 2020, I taught myself how to use a computer and smart phone, started watching tv again. I’ve been reintegrating into society for the past six years and I’ve been living on my own successfully since 2022. I’ve also been off psych meds since 2023. A 3x cancer Survivor, I just had my 30th surgery and I have at least 5 more to go. I’ve been writing my autobiography for the past four years and I’ll be publishing my second erotic novel soon.
We all have our crosses to bear. How heavy that cross is, is up to you. Your life is yours. Don’t ever let someone else have jurisdiction over your heart or mind - you own that and you are stronger than you know.
Trauma took away my memories but most of them have come back. I own my life now. Anyone who dares to take that away from me again better step the fuck off. They don’t know who they are dealing with. I’m a natural redhead - let that be a warning. Oh, and I’m a Sagittarius as well. The Universe and God are on my side.
Peace.
🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸
I grieved the love I wanted
The love I thought was mine (thought it was)
The man I swore I understood
The future I thought was in his eyes (it wasn’t)
Every dream I carried
Since I was young and sure
I laid them down beside you (beside you)
And closed that fragile door’(had to close it)
Chorus
I never knew love
Until I loved myself
Until I loved myself
I never knew love
Until I loved myself
Verse 2
Loneliness came like winter (so cold)
Sat heavy on my chest (heavy)
Heartache was a language
I spoke better than the rest
I unraveled in the silence
Where your absence echoed loud
Till I learned to give myself
What I was begging for out loud (you didn’t hear me)
Chorus
I never knew love
Until I loved myself
Until I loved myself
I never knew love
Until I loved myself
Verse 3
I never knew what love was
I only knew the ache (the ache)
I mistook fire for devotion
Every promise that would break (all of ‘em)
Now I hold my own heart gently (so gentle)
Where your shadow used to be (don’t need a shadow)
I still believe in love
But now it lives inside of me
Bridge
It isn’t burning hunger
It isn’t desperate flame
It doesn’t beg to stay
Or twist me into shape
When love arrives, it will meet me
Calm, awake, aware
Not a storm I have to survive
But something steady there
Final Chorus
I never knew love
Until I loved myself
I found the love I needed
Inside of me
I found the love I needed
Inside of me
Inside of me
Inside of me