Good evening.
Tonight’s top story: everyone is mad,
no one knows why,
and twitter, uhhm i mean X has declared itself the Supreme Court.


Alright stop — this just in today, (breaking news!)
ICE showed up and the vibes said “nope, not okay,”
Helmets on, cameras out, everyone recording, (world star!)
Even the pigeons filed a formal reporting (caw!)
Mayor says “please remain calm,” (deep breath!)
Crowd says “nah fam, drop the fucking bombshell,”
Experts on TV say “it’s complicated,” (experts say!)
Translation: nobody knows shit, but they getting paid.

ICE ICE maybe… (yeah!)
Back to you, Jim, in the studio, maybe… (over to Jim!)
ICE ICE maybe… (allegedly!)
Sources say “this might get crazy” (sources close to the situation!)
ICE ICE maybe… (no cap!)
We’ll explain it after these ads, baby (commercial break!)

I’m live on the scene, people yelling in HD, (we’re live!)
One dude dressed as Uncle Sam arguing with a tree,
Agent says “we got jurisdiction,” (no cap!)
Governor says “go fuck your mission,” (oof!)
DHS dropped a memo long as the Bible, (amen!)
Nobody read it but they hostile,
Twitter got law degrees overnight, (PhD!)
Reddit wrote essays, TikTok started a fight (vine boom!)

Weather man like “storm of opinions today,”
Chance of outrage at about 98%, okay?
It’s raining hot takes from coast to coast,
Tomorrow’s forecast: more people mad at posts.

ICE ICE maybe… (yeah yeah!)
We interrupt ourselves with breaking news, maybe… (again??)
ICE ICE maybe… (experts disagree!)
The facts are loading, please stand by (buffering…)
ICE ICE maybe… (hold please!)
Your call is important, baby (elevator music!)

Host: “Is this about safety?”
Guest 1: “It’s about policy.”
Guest 2: “It’s about vibes.”
Guest 3: “I sell merch.”
Audience: (applause!)
Sponsor: “This debate brought to you by pure fucking anxiety.”

Everybody talkin’, nobody listening,
Whole damn country doing group therapy with no physician,
One side yelling “fascist!”, other yelling “fake!”,
Meanwhile Congress trading stocks on a lunch break like “fuck y’all.” (insider!)

Everybody got a podcast, nobody got a plan, (link in bio!)
One dude selling shirts like “I hate the other man,”
Phone listening so hard it finish my sentence, (F B I OPEN UP!)
Even my ads got surveillance credentials,
Algorithm know me better than my mom, (that’s sad!)
Suggested I argue with strangers at 3AM, I said “bet, bitch,”
ICE in the streets, Twitter in a rage, (ratio!)
America’s a reality show with no writer’s page (Netflix!)

Fake Commercial Break

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Some guy on YouTube said it’s all a psy-op,
Filmed in his car, never stops, won’t stop,
Got fifteen tabs open, zero reliable,
But he’s screaming “DO YOUR RESEARCH” from a Bible,
Every headline got three different truths,
Depending on which uncle you choose.

Good evening — nah, fuck that, I’m tired,
Reading off lies from a script I didn’t write,
Teleprompter say “stay neutral,” I say “nah,”
Whole damn planet on fire and we arguing law,
Every headline sponsored, every truth got a price,
If you want real news you better roll the dice,
Smile for the camera, don’t say shit too real,
Or the network cut your mic and replace you with A I, for real.

Producers in my ear like “tone it down, please,”
I’m like “bro the world’s held together with duct tape and memes,”
We sell fear in HD, call it ‘breaking’ all night,
If it ain’t got a sponsor then it ain’t got a mic,
So I’ll smile, read ads, say “everything’s fine,”
While Rome burns in 4K with a chyron and a line.

ICE ICE maybe? (fuck!)
Back to you, Jim, we don’t know shit!
ICE ICE maybe? (damn!)
Everybody yelling, nobody legit
ICE ICE maybe? (hell nah!)
We’ll solve it after the election, maybe? (probably not!)
ICE ICE maybe? (bullshit!)
Sponsored by lies and ad revenue cents

This has been Comedy News.
Coming up next:
a dog that can skateboard,
and why that’s somehow political too.

(news theme fades into record scratch)