The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick,

but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

I childproofed my house today.

Somehow, they still got in.

The Yoga Instructor was told by her Landlord that she was being Evicted.

The Yoga Instructor said, Namaste .

A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Guess It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I just read that in New York City, someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy. (ouch)

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was five.

I have many jokes about unemployed people – sadly none of them work.

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

A favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a hero with a twisted back story.

I got my COVID test today, it says 50.

What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?

He's all right now!

My wife says making love is even better on Vacation.

I wish she didn’t tell me that, in a text from where she is.

I just built an ATM that only gives out coins.

I don’t know why no one’s thought of it before:

it just makes cents!

How did I know my girlfriend thought I was invading her privacy? She wrote about it in her diary.

Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.(meow)

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance... So I pushed her over.

If Laughter is the Best Medicine?

Why are there so many commercials for prescription medications?

(ha, ha, ha)