We said "I do," now we’re like "I don’t,"

But the kids need WiFi, so we won’t… split!

You leave socks on the floor, I leave rage in my eyes,

But hey—AT LEAST WE’RE GOOD AT LIES!

We stay for the children… (shhh…)

’TIL THEY TURN EIGHTEEN! (YEAH!)

Then we’re OUT THE DOOR—

"OOPS, WE FIGHTIN’ AGAIN!"

NO HARMONIC VIBES! (NOPE!)

JUST SCREAMS AND SIDE-EYES! (YEP!)

We’re a broken jukebox

Playin’ "Why Won’t You Die?!"

STUCK FOR THE KIDS! (UH-HUH!)

STUCK FOR THE KIDS! (DAMN IT!)

Marriage is a gladiator pit—

BUT THE TICKET SALES PAY FOR THEIR COLLEGE!

Remember date night? Now it’s "Who forgot the Pedialyte?"

You want romance? TOO BAD, THE DOG JUST ATE MY PHONE!

We sleep back-to-back like spy vs. spy,

But the custody lawyer’s on speed dial, JUST IN CASE!

We stay for the tax breaks… (shhh…)

AND THIS DAMN LEASE! (YEAH!)

One day we’ll be FREE—

"OOPS, MY THERAPIST HUNG UP!"

NO HARMONIC VIBES! (NOPE!)

JUST A SHRINE TO REGRET! (YEP!)

We’re a sitcom laugh track

With teeth-grinding stress!

STUCK FOR THE KIDS! (UH-HUH!)

STUCK FOR THE KIDS! (GOD HELP US!)

Love is DEAD, but the mortgage isn’t—

SO PASS THE WINE AND THE ANGER MANAGEMENT!

"Maybe we’ll grow old together…"

"PSYCH! WE’RE BUYING SEPARATE BUNKERS!"

"MOOOOM, DAD’S CRYING AGAIN!"

NO HARMONIC VIBES! (NOPE!)

JUST A YELLING CONTEST! (YEP!)

We’re the world’s worst duo—

"Till College Do Us Part!"

STUCK FOR THE KIDS! (UH-HUH!)

STUCK FOR THE KIDS! (JUST 11 MORE YEARS!)

HAPPILY NEVER AFTER!

"Stuck for the Kids™! The only reason you haven’t set the couch on fire!

*Side effects include: existential dread, sudden urges to join the circus, and an unhealthy obsession with true-crime podcasts. Consult your doctor if your marriage lasts longer than 4 years!"*

"GO TO YOUR ROOM, I’M FILING DIVORCE PAPERS!

Divorce instead and make harmonic relationships, for the children's sake!