Stand Up 2
talk, comedy, stand up
Stand Up 2
talk, comedy, stand up
Lyrics
Next comedian stumbles onto stage, mic hits the floor with a loud “BONK!”
They pick it up upside down and speak into the cord for a moment
"UHHHH… hi… I’m, uh… I’m Pete. Or… maybe?
HAHA! My mom said I was an accident, but dad said I wasn’t even that!"
Audience falls quiet, the comedian audibly sweats
hhHhhhhh… hhhuh huh huh…
"My ex said I’m like… like a fridge without a door.
And I was like WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN and she just screamed 'SHUT UP' and threw a fork at my head!"
Tries to laugh at their own joke, but it comes out as “HH-HH-HH-HHHhHHHhhhrrrhhh–höhöhöhö–höh”
"…uh yeah, once I ate too much licorice and my tongue turned so black the neighbor thought I had a license to be Batman!"
Pure nonsense. The crowd bursts out in disbelieving laughter.
"My older brother told me… uhh…
starts buzzing like a mosquito with hands
…that if you drink from toilet paper, your breath smells like… like…
Sorry, forgot this part."
Tries to change topic but it gets worse
"YOU KNOW… WHEN I WENT TO THE LIBRARY AND ASKED WHERE THE DVD SECTION IS
THE SECURITY GUARD STARTED CRYING
…cause he remembered his dog was also named DVD…"
Crowd isn’t even laughing anymore – they’re yelling “KEEP GOING!”
"—AND THEN I SAID ‘OH POOR DVD’, AND HE SPIT IN MY FACE AND CHALLENGED ME TO CHESS!"
[Stage lights go out, comedian runs off the wrong exit shouting:
“THIS WAS ALL A DREAM!!!”]
🎤 HOST (with desperate energy):
"OKAAAAYYYY!!!
Ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between —
if you thought that was hard to watch,
our next act is…
...well… he’s a legend from the start…
He once got kicked out of a kid’s birthday party he wasn’t even invited to!!!
— GIVE A HUGE WELCOME TO…
MIKAEL MUMINAJA!!!
— Who does stand up with no point, no punchline, and barely a voice!"
Stage goes dark, fog machine goes off accidentally, fart sound effect plays. Mikael Muminaja walks on stage — jeans duct-taped at the waist, glasses with no lenses, holding an empty briefcase.
🎤 MIKAEL MUMINAJA (mumbling and incoherent):
"…mmmmm… uhhh…
so yeah… I came straight from… mmghhh… straight…
straight from the bakery but they didn’t let me in ‘cause I didn’t have a helmet…"
Long silence. The audience is completely quiet.
"…and I told the cop I didn’t steal that lampshade, it was just my hat.
But like, isn’t it weird… that if you stand still long enough,
someone thinks you work in furniture retail?"
Audience begins to snicker. Mikael opens the empty briefcase and pulls out… nothing.
"This is my dog."
Holds up invisible dog, completely serious.
"He’s allergic to ideas."
Audience completely loses it. Not because it’s funny, but because reality is melting.
MIKAEL:
"Thanks, my time is up.
…or maybe time ended before I got here.
Goodnight, and remember — if the sheep start talking to you, it’s not a dream."
Bows in the wrong direction, bumps into the mic, whispers "damn it" in Finnish, disappears into the smoke.
🎤 HOST (uncertain if this is still happening):
"AND NEXT UP…
I don’t even know who this is…
They’re not on the list, they don’t have a mic,
but they came in demanding 'this room screams for color and booze!'
— WELCOME TO THE STAGE:
GEORG FROM TALLINN!"
💃 GEORG (slides onto stage in pink faux fur and gold sandals):
"Tsa-tsa-tsa HELLO EVERYONE!
I came from Vantaa… wait, no — I still live in Lasnamäe, but in my mind I’m already in Punavuori!"
Audience quiets, clearly confused.
"Where is the vodka? There is a stage, but where is the drag show?
You promised me smoke and fans, but this is like… bingo without the grandmas."
Looks suspiciously at the mic.
"This device… it does not honor my voice.
When I say ‘my mother abandoned me after ballet school’, it should ECHO like the opera!"
Screams into mic operatically
"MOOOOOTHERRR!!!"
Audience laughing purely out of absurdity now
"I tried to do stand up, but I don’t know what 'set up' means!
Is it something in bed? In Finland, everything is somehow about the bed!"
Stops, stares dead serious into the crowd
"You know what’s the worst thing about being a gay Estonian?
Coming out of the closet… and your cousin, your ex, and an IKEA shelf that thinks it’s a drag queen are already in there."
Audience howls. Georg strikes a vogue pose, spins dramatically
"Thank you and goodbye!
If anyone wants to dance — I’m the man with too many cologne names and zero savings!"
Georg twirls off-stage yelling "QUEER FREEDOM!" — glitter trail optional.