I grew up waiting

For the fights to start

For words that landed

Like furniture thrown

Waiting for the smell

On their breath

Alcoholic, rotten

Too close

Too familiar

Cold eyes turning

Looking for mercy

Looking for someone

To take the weight

I was small

But I was ready

I learned how to soften a room

Before I learned how to leave

Before I knew leaving

Was something you were allowed to do

My warmth was the cure

The second fix

To repair what came before

And keep us breathing

I was the child

I was the parent too

Both was too much

Both split me

Right through…

I took the blame early

It fit like a coat

Worn thin at the elbows

But better than freezing to death

I learned how to listen

Without being heard

How to hold a house together

With hands that shook

And smiled anyway

Love came with instructions

I followed them

All of them

Until one winter stayed

And I ran out of fire

My warmth was the cure

Until it wasn’t enough

I fed the flame

Fed it

Fed it

Till my tinder heart bled dry

Lips turning blue

Eyes learning how

To stare past hope

And leave

The shaking ground

I cracked

Not loud

Not clean

Just one long sound

Inside my chest

That wouldn’t stop

I left

Not because I was strong

But because staying

Would have finished the job

I left to find my hope

With nothing left to give

I walked into the cold

Not knowing

If I’d live

I found my warmth again

In a body that was finally mine

I found my person

I found my life…

I don’t wait anymore