I have absolutely no excuse for this one and that is exactly why I love it.

Wanted to go full feral with the banjo, make it dusty, mean, ridiculous and weirdly majestic at the same time. The turkeys are having a very bad day in this song, and yes, Tarja is apparently out there backflipping off fence posts like some swamp-born chaos witch. Also... once the line about the portable bidet existed, there was no honorable way back...

✦ 🤠💦🪕 ═══════════════════════════════ 🪕💦🤠 ✦

𝑩𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒕 𝑩𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒐

𝒐𝒖𝒕𝒍𝒂𝒘 • 𝒎𝒖𝒅 • 𝒃𝒂𝒏𝒋𝒐 • 𝒔𝒑𝒓𝒂𝒚

✦ 🤠💦🪕 ═══════════════════════════════ 🪕💦🤠 ✦

╭─ ✦ 𝑰𝒏𝒕𝒓𝒐 ✦ ─╮

Hmmm...

Mud in my fate.

Calibrate.

Rrrrr-ahh!

╰─🐾─╯

🪕 ┈┈┈┈┈ ✦ ┈┈┈┈┈ 🪕

╭─ ✦ 𝑽𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆 𝑰 ✦ ─╮

I slid through the briar with a brineglass grin,

in a hogwire dawn with my heels dug in.

Them gobblers strutted like tin-crowned dukes,

all flapjaw proud with their pinecone flukes.

Turkey-bone-broth in my cyclone eye,

squelchgut swagger in the kudzu sky.

Tarja backflipped off a fencepost rail,

yellin' “Gobble me never, thou feather-fail!”

╰─🌾🤠─╯

╭─ ✦ 𝑷𝒓𝒆-𝑯𝒐𝒐𝒌 ✦ ─╮

Was it luck?

Nope-nope-nope.

Was it scent?

Nope-nope-nope.

It was the pressure-grade.

Rrrrr-right.

╰─⚡─╯

✦ 💦 𝑯𝒐𝒐𝒌 💦 ✦

And that's why I always turkey hunt with my portable bidet,

Woo-hoo!

clean-spray halo in the gobble-gray.

They can flap all mean in the sassafras shade,

but their whole bad day gets hydro-upstaged.

Rrrrr-raise it!

And that's why I always turkey hunt with my portable bidet,

wh-ooop! wh-ooop! wh-ooop! wh-ooop!

brinebright, buckwild, blessed all the way.

wh-ooop!

🤠═══════════💦═══════════🤠

╭─ ✦ 𝑽𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆 𝑰𝑰 ✦ ─╮

One bird came stompin' with a courtroom neck,

all thunder-beard wobble and barnyard respect.

My bidet went "psst" with a sainted hiss,

like a creek-born curse with a chrome-lipped kiss.

Turkey-bone-broth in the cattail steam,

gobbler got shook by the gleamstream beam.

Undead Chickens drifted in, mislaid in the glutchgrass slime,

cluckin' like a haunted sheriff way behind on time.

Tarja greased his feather-hide with lubricant glaze,

said “Now strut, thou slickbird menace, through the sassafras haze.”

╰─🪶💥─╯

✦ 🪕 𝑯𝒐𝒐𝒌 🪕 ✦

Rrrrrrrrah!

And that's why I always turkey hunt with my portable bidet,

Woo-hoo!

clean-spray halo in the gobble-gray.

They can flap all mean in the sassafras shade,

but their whole bad day gets hydro-upstaged.

Rrrrr-roll, boys!

And that's why I always turkey hunt with my portable bidet,

wh-ooop! wh-ooop! wh-ooop! wh-ooop!

brinebright, buckwild, blessed all the way.

💦 ┈┈┈┈┈ ✦ ┈┈┈┈┈ 💦

╭─ ✦ 𝑩𝒓𝒊𝒅𝒈𝒆 ✦ ─╮

Listen.

The gobbler thinks the woods belong to him.

False.

My hygiene ratio is frontier-perfect.

My splash theology is absolute.

I baptize panic.

Rrrrr-amen!

╰─⛪💦─╯

✦ 🚨 𝑭𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝑯𝒐𝒐𝒌 🚨 ✦

And that's why I always turkey hunt with my portable bidet,

Woo-hoo!

saint of the spray in the splatter-crate day.

All them gobblefiends can stomp and preen,

but I wash their swagger right outta the scene.

Rrrrr-ruined!

And that's why I always turkey hunt with my portable bidet,

wh-ooop! wh-ooop! wh-ooop! wh-ooop!

no bird gets joy when I'm under them trees.

╭─ ✦ 𝑶𝒖𝒕𝒓𝒐 ✦ ─╮

Commit the rinse.

Bless the raid.

Feathers complained.

Rrrrr...

Hard stop.

Haaaa

╰─🪕💦🤠─╯

✦ 🤠💦🪕 ═══════════════════════════════ 🪕💦🤠 ✦

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