His soft spot was the ice cream shop

And there they kissed so much they got sore

He went down on his knee in the car park

The ring was wrapped in tinfoil

"That's my mum

" she said with dread

"How does she always know where I am?"

She had a nose like a bloodhound

And a bone to pick with her daughter

And she said

"You

You

You

You stupid girl

You can't marry him

What will the neighbours say?"

There was nothing wrong with him

He was kind and a gentleman

But he wore socks and sandals

And sandals and socks

And they came to the conclusion

That she was in collusion

With the Daily Mail

Which

For non-Brits

Is a tabloid piece of s***

And the neighbours they will find out

'Cause the mother has a big mouth

So they called the wedding off

And they moved up north