Cosmic Customs Constablulary
[Genre: 1930s Big Band Swing, Scat, Jazz, Calypso elements] [Tempo: Fast, energetic, and joyous] [Instrumentation: Powerful, brash Trombone and Trumpets on the main melody and flourishes. A fast walking Upright Bass and quick, shuffle Drums with heavy tom-toms and wood blocks to suggest a Latin flair. A playful, high-pitched Clarinet or a piercing Alto Sax for the solos. The sound should be bright, brassy, and have a strong, driving four-on-the-floor beat, incorporating Latin percussion like Maracas and Guiro subtly. Imagine the energy of a Cotton Club performance mixed with a beachside street parade.]
Cosmic Customs Constablulary
[Genre: 1930s Big Band Swing, Scat, Jazz, Calypso elements] [Tempo: Fast, energetic, and joyous] [Instrumentation: Powerful, brash Trombone and Trumpets on the main melody and flourishes. A fast walking Upright Bass and quick, shuffle Drums with heavy tom-toms and wood blocks to suggest a Latin flair. A playful, high-pitched Clarinet or a piercing Alto Sax for the solos. The sound should be bright, brassy, and have a strong, driving four-on-the-floor beat, incorporating Latin percussion like Maracas and Guiro subtly. Imagine the energy of a Cotton Club performance mixed with a beachside street parade.]
Lyrics
Sci-Fi Big Band Swing
(Intro) [Theremin wail meets Drum Roll] Attention, all lifeforms from Sector Z! Please have your papers, your tentacles, and your frequencies ready! You have arrived at the Horsehead Nebula Gateway! I am your Inspector of Rhythm! (Scat: Bleep-bop-a-luna-zoot! Waaa-oh!)
(Verse 1) Step up to the desk, don't crowd the line, I see a Martian looking particularly fine! You traveled light-years just to reach this gate, But if you ain't got the swing, you’re gonna have to wait! I check the visas from the Milky Way, To the dark side of Saturn where the shadows play. I don't care if you're green, or purple, or blue, I just wanna know if your rhythm is true! Put your claw on the pad, let me scan your soul, Welcome to the melting pot, the galaxy bowl!
(Chorus) I’m the Cosmic Customs Man, stampin’ the book! Giving every asteroid drifter a serious look! This is Ellis Island of the Horsehead cloud, Where the jazz is hot and the rockets are loud! If you got the vibe, I’ll let you through, To the neon cities where the stars are new! But if you’re a square from a vacuum void, My rejection stamp will get you annoyed! (Stamp Sound Effect: KA-CHUNK!) Next!
(Verse 2) Now here comes a blob made of jelly and ice, He says he’s from Pluto, and he seems real nice. But I checked his luggage, and what did I see? A contraband collection of negativity! I said, "Listen here, slime, we don't allow that gloom, You gotta check your baggage in the airlock room!" Then a three-headed dame from the Alpha Star, Tried to smuggle in a laser guitar! I said, "Play me a tune, if it swings, you stay!" She played a supernova, and I shouted "Hooray!"
(Chorus) I’m the Cosmic Customs Man, stampin’ the book! Giving every asteroid drifter a serious look! This is Ellis Island of the Horsehead cloud, Where the jazz is hot and the rockets are loud! If you got the vibe, I’ll let you through, To the neon cities where the stars are new! But if you’re a square from a vacuum void, My rejection stamp will get you annoyed! (Stamp Sound Effect: KA-CHUNK!)
(Bridge) [Spacey Theremin Solo over Jungle Drums] (Spoken over music) Hold it right there, Buster. How many eyes you got? Seven? That’s a lot of lookin’. But can you look cool? Adjust your antenna. Straighten your spacesuit. Alright, you pass. Hi-De-Hi-De-Ho-Haggan-Dah!
(Saxophone and Synth Duel) [A chaotic solo trading between a honking sax and a sci-fi synthesizer]
(Chorus) I’m the Cosmic Customs Man, stampin’ the book! Giving every asteroid drifter a serious look! This is Ellis Island of the Horsehead cloud, Where the jazz is hot and the rockets are loud! If you got the vibe, I’ll let you through, To the neon cities where the stars are new! But if you’re a square from a vacuum void, My rejection stamp will get you annoyed!
(Outro) [Fade with spaceship engine sounds] Welcome to the Nebula! Mind the gravity gap! (Scat: Zoo-be-doo-be-launch! Blast off!)