I preheat the oven to 666 degrees,

Lace the cookies with venom and blackberry leaves.

Hubby thinks I’m just baking his pie—

Little does he know it’s a curse in disguise.

They say "get a job," but I’d rather *conjure*,

Stirring my cauldron like a domestic insurgent.

My apron’s got sigils stitched in the seams,

This ain’t homemaking—it’s *sacrilege*, sweetie.

I wanna be a housewife—

Don’t you dare, it’s my life!

You just want me to work a job,

Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!

I like my life cozy in my kitchen,

Just cookin’, bakin’, and bewitchin’—

My apple pie’s got eye of newt,

And my love spells keep you GLUED.

Mop the floor in a counter-clockwise spin,

Draw a pentagram where the linoleum ends.

Kids think Mommy’s just singing a tune—

Latin backwards by the light of the moon.

PTA meeting? More like Séance Tea.

We vote on new familiars unanimously.

Martha Stewart’s grimoire’s my inspo,

My centerpiece? A **shrunken head tableau.

They say "be polite," but I’d rather *unravel*,

Crocheting nooses with *sacrificial yarn*.

My cross-stitch spells out **LEVIATHAN**,

And my embroidery *binds you to damnation.*

I wanna be a housewife—

Don’t you dare, it’s my life!

You just want me to work a job,

Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!

I like my life cozy in my kitchen,

Just cookin’, bakin’, and bewitchin’—

My apple pie’s got eye of newt,

And my love spells keep you GLUED.

The neighbors whisper 'bout my rose garden's glow,

Little do they know what feeds them below.

Petunias bloom where the corpses are laid,

And my compost heap's where the holy men fade.

They say "trim the hedge," but I'm raising a thorn wall,

Each vine that grows whispers names of the Fall.

My welcome mat says "Bless This Hell" -

The doorbell chimes with a funeral knell.

I wanna be a housewife—

Don’t you dare, it’s my life!

You just want me to work a job,

Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!

I like my life cozy in my kitchen,

Just cookin’, bakin’, and bewitchin’—

My apple pie’s got eye of newt,

And my love spells keep you GLUED.

"Hush now, baby, don’t you cry…

Mommy’s just rewriting divine law tonight."