Good morning, everybody! Hope you’re safe where you are!

But if you’re not, we’ve got the cameras rolling, livestream from the car!

Look here at devastation, see the tears upon her face,

Zoom in close, now zoom in closer there! A perfect tragic frame!

Sunrise over heartbreak, ratings glitter like confetti!

We’re smiling wide, we’re glowing bright our sympathy is ready!

If you feel moved, don’t change the channel stay tuned for more grief!

After weather, traffic, commercials, loss but with a glossy shine of relief!

Ohhhh-turn it up! Turn it up!

We’re feeling great while the world melts down!

Ohhhh-step right up! Step right up!

We’re selling joy from a tear-stained town!

Keep those headlines tragic, make those ad slots magic

It’s the happiest pain parade around!

Welcome back to the stage, where your failure is the fun!

Trip, cry, miss your note oh darling, it’s all part of the love!

The judges gleam with polished smiles, their teeth like golden swords,

Their laughter bubbles sweet and sharp oh, it cuts right to the core!

But don’t you fret your heartbreak’s trending, look at all those views!

Your name is now a hashtag oh, the world adores your bruise!

And next week’s round gets bigger yes! Your mom will also cry!

And we’ll lift you up with pop-star hope just to watch you fall again from the sky!

Ohhhh-turn it up! Turn it up!

We’re feeling great while the world melts down!

Ohhhh-step right up! Step right up!

We’re selling joy from a tear-stained town!

Keep those headlines tragic, make those ad slots magic

It’s the happiest pain parade around!

Welcome to the fundraiser, where your heartbreak buys a cure!

Look at all these smiling hosts so sincere and so demure!

This child needs a miracle, that family lost their home

But you can make a difference!

We’ll have celebrities dialing phones and wiping single tears,

Cut to slow-mo violin montage yes, the sadness is sincere!

But keep the mood uplifting throw confetti into grief!

There’s glitter in the ruin hope is profitable belief!

Ohhhh-turn it up! Turn it up!

We’re feeling great while the world melts down!

Ohhhh-step right up! Step right up!

We’re selling joy from a tear-stained town!

Keep those headlines tragic, make those ad slots magic

It’s the happiest pain parade around!

So gather ‘round the broadcast glow, your screen a neon shrine

Where laughter twirls with tragedy and tragedy’s divine!

The world keeps breaking open and we’ll keep dancing on its cracks

In dazzling high-definition

and sponsored,

right

to

the

max!