[track: genre: satirical hip-hop, dubstep,

style: fake news broadcast, glitch rap,

mood: chaotic, comedic,

instruments: boom bap drums, dubstep kick, snare,

wobble bass, growl bass, heavy sub bass,

glitch fx, radio static, vinyl scratch,

news jingle, phone dial tone, click sfx,

jazz piano, upright bass, brushed drums, sax,

distortion, riser fx, impact hits]

BNN… Breaking News Network…

Traffic Report.

This program may contain strong language.

Respectfully… cope harder.

(uh oh) (here we go)

Where is the traffic guy?

(he’s late again!)

He was supposed to be here thirty seconds ago!

(always something!)

He’s literally the traffic guy, how is he in traffic?!

(you can’t make this up)

Call him. Just call him.

(call his ass!)

Yeah… I’m here.

Just… not moving.

(ain’t nobody moving)

[breakdown | style: glitch dubstep minimal,

sfx: digital ticks, micro stutter cuts,

vocals: bandpassed, articulation: staccato]

For-ty / good / day

Nine-ty / still / wait

Same / road / bro

Not / even / close

Brake / tap / go

No / con / trol

Red / lights / glow

I / lost / hope

(error) (recalculating) (nah)

(hold up) (wait for it) (oh no)

[drop | dubstep, bass-heavy,

sfx: reverse crash, bass impact, growl entrance]

I-4 backed up, I ain’t even mad now

(ad-lib: yeah) (this is hell)

Left Tampa at sunrise, still on the same route

(ad-lib: same lane!)

Rental cars lost, tourists freak out

(ad-lib: wrong exit!)

Florida man merging with a boat somehow

(ad-lib: of course!)

Mattress on fire, cones in the street

(ad-lib: what the fuck?)

Three lanes closed, no workers in sight

(ad-lib: nobody!)

I’m aging in real time sitting in a Kia

(ad-lib: I feel it!)

I’ll reach Orlando sometime next year

(ad-lib: maybe!)

Opposite crash got my side slow

(ad-lib: WHY?!)

Why am I braking for shit I don’t even know

(ad-lib: makes no sense!)

GPS say five, that’s a damn lie though

(ad-lib: cap!)

If I miss one more exit I’m starting a condo

(ad-lib: I live here!)

Blinkers off, nobody knows the rules

(ad-lib: use it!)

Whole state driving like a multiplayer tutorial

(ad-lib: tutorial mode!)

(and now… smooth jazz)

[chorus | style: jazzy, upbeat, ironic contrast,

instruments: jazz piano, upright bass, brushed drums, sax,

vocals: female, melodic]

It’s a beautiful day to be goin’ nowhere

Sun in the sky, I don’t really care

Cars in a line but I’m feelin’ just fine

Got all the time, got nowhere to be tonight

Sip my coffee, radio on low

If I’m stuck in traffic, I’ll just take it slow

Life’s a vibe even when we’re close

To absolutely never getting home

(must be nice)

[beat-switch | dubstep glitch drop,

sfx: bass stutter, digital gate cuts]

[breakdown | style: glitch,

sfx: hard digital ticks, tape cuts,

vocals: bandpassed, articulation: staccato]

Brake / tap / stop / go

Red / light / no / flow

Still / here / hell / bro

GPS / cap / again / though

Opp / side / crash / wow

My / lane / slow / now

Five / min / lie / now

I / live / here / wow

(trapped) (forever) (send help)

Alright, yeah, shut up.

I’m in hell.

(same)

Yeah— signal’s good now.

Still not moving.

(never was)

[outro | ambient: minimal,

sfx: low radio hum, soft static bed,

vocals: announcer, serious]

This has been Breaking News Traffic Report.

If you're sitting in traffic… roll down all the windows…

help is not coming.

Press play again and bump this shit.

(again) (again) (again)