When your gal wants to play,

Do a little backseat ballet —

Hide the salami!

And the girl down the block,

She can’t get enough of your… talk —

Hide the salami!

Pants go fling-ding-ling-a-ding,

Every guy needs a bella queen.

It’s so dark —

Tippy tippy tippy tippy t!

Just make sure it ain't a fella, please.

When you nail your prom date,

And next week she says she’s late —

Hide the salami!

Yeah, that girl gets around,

Gives more rides than a Greyhound —

Hide the salami!

Pants go fling-ding-ling, oh man —

Every gal needs a daddy with a plan.

It’s so dark —

Tippy tippy tippy tippy t!

Don’t settle for a fatty if she eats your ham!

When you find a loose woman,

Had more pricks than a pin cushion —

Hide the salami!

And if you’re feeling kinda smothered,

Mail it off to your best friend’s mother —

Hide the salami!

Pants go fling-ding-ling-a-ding,

Every sinner needs salvation’s swing.

It’s so dark —

Tippy tippy tippy tippy t!

Every guy needs a little… self-care spree.

Oh, she said it was great…

You done stirred up a big ol’ plate.

But boy, next time keep your stick in the drawer —

Or you'll be hidin' from the law!

When you nail your prom date,

And the test says she’s late —

Hide the salami!

Oh that tsunami’s on the way,

Better learn to kneel and pray —

Hide the salami!

Pants still fling-ding-ling, oh yeah!

Every dog needs a bone to spare.

It’s so dark —

Tippy tippy tippy tippy t!

Now go on, tuck it in, and say a prayer!