”

(whispered, intimate)

If I win… will I lose myself?

I learned to smile with my teeth clenched tight,

like joy was a matchstick too close to the night.

Every “you’re amazing” turns heavy in my hands,

like praise is a promise I can’t understand.

So I keep my dreams in a locked-up drawer,

call it “being careful” — but it’s fear, nothing more.

And still, in my chest, there’s a drumline that grows,

a countdown that tells me: the curtain will close.

If I step into the spotlight, I can’t hide the cracks,

if I climb any higher, there’s no turning back.

I rehearse every failure before it begins,

but the music keeps shouting beneath my skin.

I’m afraid to shine, but I’m going anyway,

let the sky come down — I won’t look away.

I’ll burn through the doubt till it loosens its grip,

I’ll light up the dark with the fire in my ribs.

Peace feels suspicious when you never had much,

like a warm hand waiting to turn into a punch.

When the door opens wide, I get cold, I get small,

like happiness is just a setup for the fall.

I turned “almost” into a home I defend,

built walls out of “later” that never will bend.

But I’m tired of living on pause, on repeat,

tired of my heartbeat begging for release.

If I win, they will watch, and I’ll have to stay real,

if I rise, I’ll be seen — and I’ll have to feel.

I keep saying “not yet” like it saves me somehow,

but the clock doesn’t care — it’s right now, it’s now.

I’m afraid to shine, but I’m going anyway,

let the sky come down — I won’t look away.

I’ll burn through the doubt till it loosens its grip,

I’ll light up the dark with the fire in my ribs.

What if the light isn’t judgment, just truth?

What if the fear is a voice from my youth?

What if I’m meant to be louder than pain,

meant to be thunder that breaks the chain?

I’ll take the risk, I’ll take the fall,

better than never becoming at all.

I can hear the crowd like a storm in the wings,

and my old ghosts whisper: “Don’t try, don’t sing.”

But my lungs fill up like a battle hymn—

I’m done being quiet. Let it begin.

I’m afraid to shine, but I’m going anyway,

let the sky come down — I won’t look away.

I’ll burn through the doubt till it loosens its grip,

I’ll light up the dark with the fire in my ribs.

(soft, resolved)

If fear is the price…

then I’ll pay it in full.