I slide to the bar like a seal on the lino, Coins in a jar, tiny heart like a bino, Pint in my paw, jaw loose on a hinge, Eyes on the door and I’m ready to cringe.

You float through the crowd like a swan in a riot, Every lad goes silent — even Seamus goes quiet. The jukebox chokes, the neon blinks twice, Glass sweats cold — then the stout turns to ice.

“Sweet saints above… is that thunder? Or my rib cage?”

You check your watch; I check my pulse, I rhyme like a fox while I drink like a dulse, Your boots go click, my brain goes glitch, Bodhrán goes boom — heart jumps the ditch.

Room freezes when you walk past me — freezes! (Crowd) Glass freezes in my shaky hand — freezes! (Crowd) Time freezes, I can barely breathe — freezes! (Crowd) Say my name and unfreeze the band — unfreeze! (Crowd)

You lean on the bar, a storm in a blazer, Notebook out — ah Jaysus, a laser. You flash a badge with a bureaucrat gleam: “Fire Inspector,” love — the end of my dream.

“Lads, hide the candle shaped like a flaming pint!”

You pace through the snug, tapping exits and signs, I’m drafting a sonnet with spillages and lines. You measure the crowd, I’m measuring fate, I hold my breath like a licensed crate.

You smirk at my rhyme, at my desperate patter, You whisper, “Sing truth, not flattery chatter.” So I spill the tea like a kicked‑over kettle: “I’m a fool for your rules; stamp my heart with your metal.”

Room freezes when you walk past me — freezes! Glass freezes in my shaky hand — freezes! Time freezes, I can barely breathe — freezes! Say my name and unfreeze the band — unfreeze!

I’ll file my feelings in triplicate forms, Initial each tear, keep it dry in the storms. You audit my jokes, but you stamp me a grin, “Correct your exits — and let love begin.”

“Check the doors… check the floors… check my flaws… check what’s yours.”

Room freezes when you walk past me — freezes! Pub freezes, then we all expand — freezes! You shout, “Play on!” and lift your hand — play on! Band thaws out at your command — your command!

Room freezes when you walk past me — freezes! Heart unfreezes when you dance with me — thaws! Seal it in ink on the safety sheet — cheers! Kiss by the door with the EXIT beat — unfreeze!

“Right. Exits clear, hearts inspected. Now somebody unfreeze my pint.”