Packed my bag, left my phone,
Said, “I don’t need help, I can do this alone.”
Watched a YouTube guide, thought I’d be fine,
Now I’m drinking my own piss just to survive.

Rubbed two sticks, but they won’t spark,
Built a shelter, now I’m lost in the dark.
Ate some berries, now I can’t see,
Starting to think they were bad for me...

Bear Grylls lied, now I’m dying inside,
Tried to wrestle a snake, got bit, then I cried.
Said to “drink from the stream,” now I’m sick as can be,
This survival guide is literally killing me!

Jumped off a cliff, ‘cause he said I should,
Landed in a tree, now my leg ain’t good.
Made a spear, tried to hunt some prey,
But the tip chipped, flipped the stick, and gave up for the day

I chewed on bark, it’s not that great,
Slept in a cave used a shell as a plate.
Ate some mushrooms, they talked to me,
Now I’m best friends with a maple tree...

Bear Grylls lied, now I’m losing my mind,
Covered in mud, but the bugs still bite.
Tried to fish with my hands, got slapped in the face,
Now I’m rethinking this whole damn place!

Should’ve stayed home, should’ve watched TV,
Instead, I’m barefoot and full of disease.
If I make it out, I swear to my soul,
I’m never trusting a man who drinks from a hole!

Bear Grylls lied, now I’m waiting to die,
I think I rubbed poison oak right into my eye.
Left a distress sign, spelled help on the ground,
But the rescue plane just turned back around...

I thought I’d be a wilderness king,
But nature just made me its plaything.
So if you ever think this life’s for you...
Just know that Bear Grylls lied to me too.