Alright, quick disclaimer:

If this was your favorite movie as a kid…

maybe stop listening now.

No? Cool. Let’s ruin it together.

Once upon a time in a corporate lie,

A blonde girl naps while the plot walks by.

Cue the music, swell the strings,

Oh here comes medieval Chad with confidence issues and lip gloss dreams.

He didn’t knock, didn’t ask her name,

Just leaned in like, “Yeah, this’ll age great.”

I’m yelling at the screen like it’s true crime night,

Disney said “romance,” my brain said “call a fucking lawyer, right?”

The narrator’s sweating, the vibe’s off-key,

Even the birds are like, “Dude, seriously?”

Bro, she’s literally unconscious,

That’s not magic, that’s fucking bonkers.

Put the lips away, Prince Weird-Ass,

This isn’t love, it’s a HR class.

Fourth wall shattered, childhood pissed,

Who approved this? Who watched this and clapped?

True love’s kiss? Nah, miss me with that,

That’s a felony wrapped in a fairy-tale hat.

Fuck Disney, plastic smiles and corporate creep,

Selling childhood while they hide shit in the seams.

Freeze-frame faith, subliminal sleaze,

“Family friendly” with a lawyer’s ease.

Yeah, we all saw it, don’t pretend you didn’t,

That Little Mermaid cover wasn’t subtle, it was unhinged.

Dicks in the skyline, jokes for the bored animators,

Laughing at parents while cashing checks from the babysitters.

Magic kingdom built on plausible deniability,

Congrats, Walt’s ghost, you invented gaslightability.

They sold us this shit with a sparkle filter,

Like consent’s optional if you’re hot and royal.

Whole kingdom watching like, “Yep, checks out,”

No one said, “Hey maybe wait till she’s conscious, you absolute clown?”

And I know, I know, “It’s just a story,”

Yeah, so was leded gasoline and look how that went historically.

If this drops today, it’s getting pulled in a week,

With an apology tweet and a Notes-app speech.

Even the curse is like, “Yo, this ain’t my fault,”

Maleficent filing a cease-and-desist on the plot.

Bro, she’s literally unconscious,

This is less romance, more what the fuck is wrong with us?

White horse, jawline, doesn’t make it okay,

That’s still creepy in every century, every way.

Fourth wall screaming, audience split,

Half nostalgic, half calling bullshit.

True love’s kiss? Eat shit, I insist,

Wake her up first, then maybe exist.

Yeah, yeah, calm down, I can hear you typing,

“IT’S A FAIRY TALE,” cool, so am I, I’m still judging.

If the bar for love is “she can’t say no,”

Congrats, you’ve invented medieval Tinder with zero fucking growth.

Imagine she wakes up, looks him dead in the eyes,

Says, “Who the fuck are you and why are you this close to my face, my guy?”

Ask first.

ASK FIRST.

Wake her up.

Then talk.

ASK FIRST.

ASK FIRST.

Put the crown down, you walking red flag fuck.

Bro, she’s literally unconscious,

This song exists and now so does your discomfort.

Fairy tales crack when you poke the myth,

Turns out “true love” needs more than a kiss.

Fourth wall gone, nostalgia’s pissed,

But honestly? Worth it. I’ll die on this hill.

Sleep isn’t sexy, silence ain’t consent,

Congratulations, childhood, you’ve been punk-rocked to death.

Anyway…

Cinderella just texted,

she said “same.”