Intro (4 bars — stomping 4/4, crowd clap, accordion stab)

Crowd hums: Oooo — eh! (lead shouts: "One more roll!")

Verse 1

(chords: G — D — Em — C; playful, talky delivery)

Remember when paper ruled the throne? (G — D)

Two-ply castles built from humble rolls. (Em — C)

Now screens are kings with their glossy chrome, (G — D)

But try and use one and you’ll lose all control. (Em — C)

(melody jumps G→B on “Remember”, falls to E on the line end)

Pre-Chorus

(build — tambourine, open hi-hat)

They said “no more trees, the future’s bright,” (Am — D)

Swipe your life in pixels, hold on tight — (Am — D)

Till you learn the lesson that only fate can teach: (Em — C)

Some upgrades don’t come with a reach. (D — D)

Chorus (BIG — full gang vocal, stomps, brass hit)

Whoever said tech replaces paper — (G)

Has never wiped a bud with an iPad! (D)

Now the screen’s all sticky, and your dignity’s been had. (Em)

Sing it loud, pass the loo roll, do it bad — (C)

Ohhh — iWipe blues, not the upgrade I wanted! (G → D → Em → C)

(Crowd reply: “Give me paper!”)

Verse 2

(same chords, add electric riff; more dramatic)

There’s an app for love, an app for lunch, (G — D)

An app to tell you when you’ve had enough. (Em — C)

But no app warns you when your backside’s stuck, (G — D)

To a glossy slab that ain’t built for muck. (Em — C)

(sing with a grin; add short harmonized “whoa”s between lines)

Pre-Chorus

(repeat, raise energy; add brass stabs)

Chorus

(repeat — louder, gang ad-libs between lines)

Whoever said tech replaces paper —

Has never wiped a bud with an iPad!

Now the screen’s all sticky, and your dignity’s been had.

Pass the roll, do the shuffle, that’s the plan —

iWipe blues, clap your hands!

Bridge

(half-time, sultry accordion + synth; spoken line possible)

Spoken: “You can’t FaceTime a leaf, babe.” (crowd laughs)

Then sing:

We learned our lesson in a bathroom stall, (Em — C)

Digital detours will make you fall. (Am — D)

So keep one roll on your nightstand near, (Em — C)

Because evolution forgot the rear. (D)

Build

(4 bars — snare march into drum fill, crowd chant)

“Oh-oh-oh! Roll! Roll! Roll!” (call & response)

Final Chorus (HUGE — brass, children/chorus gang, big drum drop)

Whoever said tech replaces paper — (Full band)

Has never wiped a bud with an iPad! (Gang : “Nooo!”)

Screen’s a mess, now we’re all slightly mad.

Grab a roll, do the victory lap, sing it glad —

iWipe blues, the non-upgrade anthem!

(Repeat tag twice, slower on last line, big final stomp)

Outro

(accordion & guitar, lead ad-libs)

Lead: “Pro tip: don’t try to download a tissue.”

Crowd: laughter, hum the last “Ohhh — iWipe blues” and fade.