HOARDERS NEED HELP

(A comedic song from the child of a hoarder)

Verse 1

I tried to find my sneakers but they vanished in the pile,

Somewhere between the magazines from 1995.

Mom says, “Don’t touch anything, it’s all important stuff,”

But I’m pretty sure that stack of coupons has started growing fuzz.

Chorus

’Cause hoarders need help, and I need floor space,

I haven’t seen the carpet in about a thousand days.

I love you, but I’m begging, can we throw out just one thing?

Like maybe that broken blender… or the phone book from Beijing.

Hoarders need help — and I need air to breathe,

I swear the living room is plotting to avalanche on me.

Verse 2

There’s Tupperware with no lids, and lids with no bowls,

A mountain of old sweaters with mysterious holes.

You say, “It’s all sentimental,” but I’m losing my mind,

Do we really need twelve toasters? Only one of them still shines.

Chorus

’Cause hoarders need help, and I need doorways,

I’m tired of sideways-walking just to get to where I stay.

I love you, but I’m pleading, can we donate half this heap?

I promise you won’t miss the VHS of “Sheep That Can’t Fall Asleep.”

Hoarders need help — and I need room to live,

I’m starting to forget what empty shelves even give.

Bridge

One day we’ll clear it out, I know we’ll make it through,

We’ll find the dining table — maybe even find you.

We’ll laugh about the chaos once the clutter’s finally gone,

But until that day arrives, I’ll keep singing you this song.

Final Chorus

’Cause hoarders need help, and I need sanity,

I’m tripping over memories that aren’t even mine, you see.

I love you, and I’m hoping we can start with just one bag,

Let’s toss the broken garden gnome — the one missing his flag.

Hoarders need help — but hey, we’re still a team,

And maybe someday soon we’ll live the minimalist dream.