Bruv... listen... Day was dead. ... Sky grey. ... Rain hittin' the block like debt collectors, yeah? ... Too wet to cut loose... too cold to leg it outside. ...

Me an’ Sal just sittin’ in the flat... Starin’ at the wall like it owed us money. ... Fish is in the bowl... givin’ us side-eye... proper judgy geezer. ...

Nothin’ to do but sit. ... Sit. ... Sit. ... Sit. ... Swear down, fam... we was losin’ our minds.

Then BANG! ... Front door slams like a raid! ... Me heart jumps out me chest. ... We spin ‘round quick... And there he is... Standin’ bold as brass. ... This lanky... mad-eyed feline wasteman... Wearin’ a long hat like he’s tryna touch the ceiling. ...

He grins at us: ... “Why you two posted up like statues, bruv? ... Dead weather don’t mean dead vibes.” ...

Sally’s lookin’ at me like say summat. ... But I ain’t got bars for this situation. ...

Cat goes... “I got tricks, yeah? ... Game on deck. ... Vibey ting. ... Your mum ain’t gonna clock it... relax.”

Fish starts chirpin’... “Nah mate! Nah mate! ... Chuck him out the gaff! ... He shouldn’t be in ‘ere! ... Your mum’s gone shops... This is not the time for feline foolishness!” ...

Cat just laughs. ... “Easy, soldier. ... I ain’t here to shank no one. ... Lemme show you summat... Game I call Up-Up-Up wiv the Fish.” ...

He scoops the poor bloke out the bowl... Fish screamin’... splashing... proper panic attack. ... “PUT ME DOWN!” Fish says. ... “This ain’t banter! ... This is attempted fish manslaughter!” ...

Cat’s like... “Nah fam, relax. ... I got hands... watch this.”

“Oi, look at me NOW, bruv!” ... He’s flexin’... Cup on his hat... Cake on his hat... Fish in one hand... Two books in the other... Toy boat balanced on his elbow... Milk dish on his foot... And somehow the man’s hoppin’ on a bouncy ball. ...

But he ain’t done... Nah nah nah... Roadman Cat goes: ... “And look! ... Me tail holdin’ this fan, innit!” ... He starts fannin’ himself like some Victorian duchess while still hoppin’. ... “See bruv? ... Havin’ fun ain’t illegal!”

Then man STACKS IT. ... Full collapse. ... BIG BOY FAILURE. ... Comes down headfirst... BUFF! ...

Everything airborne... becomes airborne no more. ... Books gone. ... Cake annihilated. ... Fish nearly has a heart attack. ... Wall takes emotional damage. ...

Me an’ Sal just stand there like: ... "... Yeah, that’s mad still.”