Agnes' Porch Chats - v4 - Sasquatch Delivery
[Genre: Porchside Folk, Quaint Ukulele Pop. The soundscape is full of the gentle chaos of an old porch: card shuffling, confused murmurs, and the sound of a pizza box being opened. The song's flow is a conversational interview, with three confused, off-topic voices interrupting the host.] The host, Agnes Pruitt, has a warm, slightly judgmental voice. Her guests, Mildred, Beatrice, and Eleanor, have soft, elderly voices that frequently wander off-topic, repeatedly asking if the "Sasquatch" (the bearded pizza delivery driver) is coming. Agnes's lyrics gently guide the conversation while politely critiquing her friends. The mood is sweet, quirky, and slightly bittersweet, capturing the delightful confusion of the moment.
Agnes' Porch Chats - v4 - Sasquatch Delivery
[Genre: Porchside Folk, Quaint Ukulele Pop. The soundscape is full of the gentle chaos of an old porch: card shuffling, confused murmurs, and the sound of a pizza box being opened. The song's flow is a conversational interview, with three confused, off-topic voices interrupting the host.] The host, Agnes Pruitt, has a warm, slightly judgmental voice. Her guests, Mildred, Beatrice, and Eleanor, have soft, elderly voices that frequently wander off-topic, repeatedly asking if the "Sasquatch" (the bearded pizza delivery driver) is coming. Agnes's lyrics gently guide the conversation while politely critiquing her friends. The mood is sweet, quirky, and slightly bittersweet, capturing the delightful confusion of the moment.
Lyrics
Sound: The clatter of playing cards being shuffled and dealt, interspersed with gentle, confused murmurs and the creaking of the porch swing. Distant birdsong.
[Agnes] Welcome, welcome, ladies, to Agnes’s Porchside Chat, also known today as Agnes’s Highly Anticipated Bridge Club Gathering! We have with us today my dear friend, Mildred, bless her heart. Mildred here has a memory like a sieve, but she makes a mean cucumber sandwich, when she remembers to put the cucumbers in. Then there’s dear Beatrice. Beatrice always brings the most delightful gossip, though half the time I think she’s confusing me with her third husband. And last but certainly not least, my sweet Eleanor. Eleanor is a true gem, though sometimes I think she believes my porch is actually a bus depot.
[Mildred] Agnes, dear, are we going to order from that nice young man again? The one with all the… fur? He always has such lovely… rounds.
[Beatrice] Oh yes, Agnes! He’s so strong, isn’t he? I swear, last time he carried enough for all of us in one go! Such a polite young man, too, though a bit on the quiet side.
[Eleanor] Excuse me, dear, is this the stop for Elm Street? I seem to have missed my connection.
[Agnes] [Chuckles gently] Not quite yet, Eleanor. We’re just having a little… gathering. Now, about this “furry” young man you speak of, Mildred. Are you perhaps referring to the pizza delivery driver? You know, the one with the rather impressive beard?
[Mildred] Pizza? Oh, is that what those rounds were? Well, they were delicious, whatever they were! Will he be coming back soon? I do have a craving for his… rounds.
[Beatrice] He did have such big hands, didn’t he? I wouldn’t want to be on the wrong side of him! Though he was very gentle when he handed over our… parcels.
[Eleanor] Parcels? Oh dear, did my luggage arrive? It’s a rather large suitcase, full of… well, never you mind.
[Agnes] [Sighs contentedly] Yes, the “parcels.” They contained… cheesy delights. And yes, Mildred, I expect he’ll be by later. He usually delivers around teatime. Though I hardly think his beard qualifies him as a Sasquatch. He’s a perfectly nice young man, if a bit hirsute.
[Mildred] Hirsute? Oh, is that what they call it now? Such a nice Sasquatch, though. So reliable.
[Beatrice] He always seems a bit out of breath when he arrives. All that heavy… parcel carrying, I suppose. It’s a wonder he manages it all.
[Eleanor] Heavy parcels… are we expecting a shipment from overseas? I did order some rather lovely… oh, bother, I can’t recall what it was.
[Agnes] [The sound of a car pulling up in the driveway, followed by a knock on a wooden door.] Well, speak of the devil… or the hirsute pizza delivery driver. That must be our order now. I’ll be right back, ladies. Try not to lose track of your cards!
Sound: Agnes’s footsteps moving away, the sound of a door opening and a brief, muffled exchange. A young, slightly out-of-breath voice says, “That’ll be twenty-four fifty, Agnes.” Agnes’s voice responds, “Thank you, dear. And try not to scare my friends; they think you’re a Sasquatch.” A nervous chuckle from the delivery driver, followed by Agnes returning with a pizza box.
[Agnes] Here we are, ladies! Our… rounds have arrived! Now, who wants a slice of this… surprisingly un-furry offering?
[Mildred] Oh, wonderful! The Sasquatch is here!
[Beatrice] Oh, good, I was hoping he’d come back! Such a strong young man!
[Eleanor] Oh, is this my stop at last? Are we going to Elm Street now?
[Agnes] [Sighs contentedly] Not quite, Eleanor. Not quite. But at least the Sasquatch, or rather, the pizza man, has delivered. And that’s all that matters, isn’t it?
Sound] [The sounds of the ladies happily eating pizza, confused murmurs continuing, and the gentle creaking of the porch swing. The ukulele theme gently fades in and then out.