Drunk Captain Voyages - v38 - Unintended Expansion Issues
Create a manic, chaotic sea shanty about a business owner on the brink of collapse. The track starts with a triumphant accordion melody, quickly mixed with the jarring sounds of a Viking war horn, distant cannon fire, and a rapid cash register ka-ching.] A gravelly-voiced Captain Bart sings with frantic energy about the nightmare of "Free Shipping to 12 Dimensions." The lyrics must describe his crew of new captains, who are mostly Vikings and Pirates, causing delays because they stop to Pillage and Plunder. The song must include a frantic section where Bart yells about his overwhelmed dispatcher (Megan) and the office chaos, [The music must be overwhelmingly chaotic, building to a peak of sound, and the song should end with a deep sigh of resignation.]
Drunk Captain Voyages - v38 - Unintended Expansion Issues
Create a manic, chaotic sea shanty about a business owner on the brink of collapse. The track starts with a triumphant accordion melody, quickly mixed with the jarring sounds of a Viking war horn, distant cannon fire, and a rapid cash register ka-ching.] A gravelly-voiced Captain Bart sings with frantic energy about the nightmare of "Free Shipping to 12 Dimensions." The lyrics must describe his crew of new captains, who are mostly Vikings and Pirates, causing delays because they stop to Pillage and Plunder. The song must include a frantic section where Bart yells about his overwhelmed dispatcher (Megan) and the office chaos, [The music must be overwhelmingly chaotic, building to a peak of sound, and the song should end with a deep sigh of resignation.]
Lyrics
Intro Music: A triumphant but chaotic sea shanty, with an accordion playing a frantic, manic rhythm, overlaid with a loud, rapid-fire ka-ching of a cash register.
Host: Captain Bart Blueheart (gravelly voice, sounding frazzled and overly energetic, like a stressed CEO on five cups of coffee)
SOUND of a record scratch followed by a chaotic mix of sounds: a Viking war horn, the distant booming of cannons, and the high-pitched, exasperated yell of a woman (Megan).
[Captain Blueheart] Ahoy there, me fellow captains of industry and sufferers of success! Captain Bart Blueheart here, and I'm a proper mess! I went and partnered with that fella, ZEKE, and now we're offering Free Shipping to the entire 12 known Dimensions! Me fleet is enormous, and the Mini-Suns are giving us endless power. We're a proper cosmic super-business! But I’m overwhelmed! We’ve got twenty new Assistant Ship Captains, and I'm sailing the vastest distances you can imagine! I haven't slept in a week!
The problems are stacking up like a pile of unfiled expense reports. First off, Megan hates everyone she hired for the new office staff. They're all terrible, apparently, cluttering up the filing system and drinking all the beverage. She just keeps praising Barnaby, saying he's the only competent one in the whole operation!
And then there's me new captains! Half of 'em are active Vikings or Pirates! I'm getting reports of massive shipment delays because they keep stopping to Pillage, Plunder, and, well, sigh, give Big Hickeys to the fair damsels! What Ray Stevens says that! They're supposed to be delivering packages, not starting interstellar bar fights and romance!
And as if I didn't have enough to deal with, me niece, Fiorentinomostanta, who I just call Bubbles, is coming for a visit. I'm running a massive cosmic operation that's half pirate fleet, half office hell, and I’m supposed to clean up before me niece gets here! I swear, I regret ever meeting that fella Zeke! This is too much!
SOUND of a gentle sigh and a clink of a glass
After the break, we'll talk about that time me old pal Louann tried to sell me a moon. But first, a word from the folks who make sure your HR department doesn't hire a proper marauder.
SOUND of upbeat, slightly cheesy jingle music starts up, with the sound of a horn honking and a car engine revving
[Fake Advertisement] Did your last background check miss the fact that your new hire owns a longship? Are your quarterly reports stained with plunder? You need HR-Fix! Our galactic security consultants specialize in screening space pirates and interdimensional barbarians! HR-Fix! Because a happy fleet is an honest fleet!
Jingle music fades out abruptly, followed by a defeated sigh from Captain Blueheart
[Captain Bart] Heh. HR-Fix. I think I'll stick to a simple beverage from now on.