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Right, listen tae me, ye glaikit numpties!

Put doon yer plastic Santas and yer overpriced lattes!

Ye want Christmas spirit? huh?!

I’ve got yer Christmas parade right here in this wee tune.

YEO! Get the fookin’ pigs out!

Here we go! ONE! TWO! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!

Shops are full o’ plastic shite

Bairns are screamin’, want a fight

Turkey’s dry, the wallet’s thin

Toss the tinsel in the bin!

I’m nae Grinch, I’m just a Scot

Happy wi’ the pint I’ve got

But the neighbors want a show?

Right then lads... HERE WE GO!

Hey! Hey! Open up the gate!

Hey! Hey! Soddin Christmas day!

Pig number THREE is runnin’ loose!

Pig number FIVE is right on the juice!

The Polis hunt all night from shore to shore

BUT NAEBODY CAN FIND PIG NUMBER FOUR!

Paint their numbers on their backs

Slap their arse and clear the tracks!

NINE goes Left! EIGHT goes Right!

Causing chaos through the night!

Coppers comin’, blues and twos

Slippin’ on their frozen poos! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Open up the gate!

Hey! Hey! Soddin Christmas day!

Pig number ONE is runnin’ loose!

Pig number SIX is right on the juice!

The Polis hunt all night from shore to shore

BUT NAEBODY CAN FIND PIG NUMBER FOUR!

I HATE YER TREE!

I HATE YER LIGHTS!

YER MISTLETOE AND FOOKIN CAROLS ALL NIGHT!

Stick yer Santa up yer arse!

This holiday is just a fookin' farce!

Blue lights flashin’ in the lane...

I HOPE IT DRIVES ALL PIGS INSANE!

So, Here’s the thing, ya fookin uniformed eejits...

There never was nae Number Four, ha!

But isn´t it fun watching pigs chasing their tails

under the blue Christmas lights!?

Merry Christmas!