Ohhh, look at me, a soldier of Rome,

On a horse that barely wants to leave home.

I’m wadin’ through streams with my sandals soaked through,

Livin’ the dream that the Emperor drew.

Got a helmet so shiny it blinds half the squad

If that ain’t glory, then what is, by God?

Chorus

’Cause I’m Roman… superior!

That’s what they tell us, anyway.

We’ve conquered folks from Gaul to Syria

Though half of ’em still won’t obey.

My armor weighs a hundred pounds

And rusts the minute rain comes down,

But hey

I’m Roman… superior!

At least that’s what we’re told to say.

Verse 2

I’ve got a spear that bends if I throw it too hard,

A shield that was sturdy till we left the yard.

My horse eats more grain than a nobleman’s feast

And kicks like a demon when marching east.

I travel the world for the glory of Rome,

But honestly, friend… I just wanna go home.

Chorus

’Cause I’m Roman… superior!

So mighty in our grand design.

We built great roads and aqueducts

(Though none of ’em lead where I dine.)

My tunic’s shrinking in the rain,

My saddle sore’s a constant pain,

But hey

I’m Roman… superior!

At least that’s what’s stamped on the sign.

Bridge

We’ve got legions here and legions there,

Legions slipping on the riverbed somewhere.

We’ve got orders carved in marble stone

That melt the moment the General’s gone.

Oh, Fortuna laughs when we march by

I swear she’s rolling her immortal eyes…

Verse 3

Still, we shout “Gloria!” loud and proud,

Though the barbarians laugh at us from the crowd.

They say our empire’s too big to steer

But that’s above my pay grade, dear.

I just sing my song on patrol each day,

Hopin’ my horse won’t bolt away.

Final Chorus

’Cause I’m Roman… superior!

Yes, that’s the story, tried and true.

We’re destined to rule the whole wide world

Well… maybe a century or two.

My armor’s squeakin’, reins are damp,

My tent leaks like a Gallic camp

But hey

I’m Roman… superior!

And if I say it loud… it must be true.