[Intro dry spoken, minimal kick]

I got a microscope.
I got nothing to do.
I started asking questions
that I cannot un-know.



[Verse 1 spoken, beat building]

The average toilet seat carries 50 bacteria per square inch.
I know.
I looked it up.
Now look at your kitchen sink.



Your kitchen sink has 500,000 bacteria per square inch.
You eat near that.
Every day.
You are eating near a biological incident.

"Looks like dinner...
just became a crime scene."
*YEAHHH*

[Pre-chorus half sung, half spoken]

The toilet seat...
just sitting there...
being unfairly maligned...

[Chorus sung, full tech house drop]

Boredom microscope
showed me things I didn't need
Boredom microscope
now I can't stop the feed
Your sink is a disaster
your sponge is a crime scene
The toilet seat is innocent
and that's what haunts my dreams

[Verse 2 CSI lab briefing energy, spoken]



The kitchen sponge.
54 billion bacteria per cubic centimeter.
That thing you use to clean
is the dirtiest object in your home.
By a significant margin.
The lab confirmed it at 3 minutes 12 seconds into the episode.
Nobody reacted.
We moved on.
This is fine.

*enhance*
*enhance again*
*one more time*
"My God."

[Bridge sung, slightly unhinged]

I just wanted something to dooo
Now I know what lives on youuu
The toilet seat filed a complaint
science backed it up
and I am its advocate

[CSI Interlude full deadpan, beat stripped back]


[someone whispers ] enhanced? Does it not help

The evidence was there the whole time.
On your counter.
Next to the coffee maker.
You made coffee this morning.
You made coffee.

"meals we made along the way."
*YEAHHH*

[Outro spoken, beat fades]

You can replace your sponge every week.
You won't.
I know you won't.
I won't either.



Boredom microscope.
Case closed.